well as promised i am going to do my best to keep an account of mine and Morgan's baby experiences... unfortunately they have come to an unexpected end as of friday july 30th 2010. this may get a little emotional for some of you so if you have weak tear ducts i suggest you pass on this post.

well it all started a few weeks after we found out we were pregnant... i began spotting which i was told and read was normal and it stopped so i didn't worry about it too much. then a few weeks ago before our oregon vacation when we went in to see the OB for the first time it all started to fall apart... she had checked me out and determined that we were between 10 and 11 weeks along and that our due date should be around February 12th (jacks birthday :) ) but when she tried to hear a heartbeat there was just static... at that moment i knew something was wrong but she ensured us that it was normal because we were so early so instead of worrying a lot i only worried a little. she ordered blood work and an ultrasound to measure my uterus and determine how far along we were exactly.

The OB made is sound like the ultra sound was a good thing and would be fun for us so morgan and i were so excited to hear our babies heart beat and maybe get to see an image of our baby ... it was finally going to feel real! we were going to hear the sweet sound of Our Father in Heaven's sweet spirit that was sent to us to care for. or so we thought...

it was tuesday the 27th at 7 am and we walked into the room, i laid down on the bed, she squirted the jelly on my belly(hey that rhymed :) ), which was warm, i was surprised cause i was expecting it to be freezing. then all we heard was silence... then clicking... then more silence.. and some more clicking, this continued for about 10 minutes and i asked , "dont we get to see a picture or hear a heartbeat?" and she said," no it's too early for that," i asked ,"well is there a baby in there? "she said she couldnt tell us that info cause she is only a tech. then she said she needed to do an internal ultra sound which in my head immediately meant probing my insides... not an exciting feeling but its for our baby so, do it to it sister... then as she completed that procedure and said nothing i knew... i knew something was wrong.. but she again followed my nervous questions with, "its still early, the radiologist will look these pictures over and speak with ur OB then she will call u with the results." which to me is hospital code for ," i dont see anything in there but i dont have authority to tell u that so i am going to make u wait while i pass the buck onto someone else"

i left there with tears in my eyes while morgan held my hand and tried to comfort my broken heart. i hadnt slept very well the night before so i cried myself to sleep while morgan drove us to work... he knew i hadnt felt well so he let me sleep in the car parked in front of the office for a few hours then came out and sweetly told me to go home and rest, but i wasnt in the mood to drive or to be alone to think too much so i stayed at work for a few hours and did a few projects then actually i cant remember what i did after that... but the next few days were about to send me into a place i never thought i would be...

wednesday afternoon i noticed some more spotting, i noticed it was a little different than the spotting i had experienced in the beginning... and still feeling pretty emotional from the day before i immediately began to cry and call morgan frantic, he was too far away and mom was working so i called my baby sister, she was at work but left to be with me, i just couldn't stand to be alone anymore... im always saying it would be nice to have the house to myself for a little while and it just so happened that i got my wish that day. brett was off to the beach, dad clausen was off to get a crown and mom clausen was off to work at Deans so there i was left all alone on the one day i wished i were in a house full of people to distract me from thinking of the worst. Danielle came to my rescue... i told her my worry and my complaint," I just wish someone would tell me my baby is alright ! that my baby even exists!"...

She sat and listened and stayed with me until i got a call from morgan that he needed to be picked up and taken to his dentist apt. so then that was pretty much the end of that day...then thursday came and one of my best friends Krystin and her baby boy julian and sister paige came over to swim and took my mind off the fact that the spotting turned into bleeding... then friday came... friday...a day i will never forget as long as i live...

i was in good spirits the bleeding went back to spotting and my mom offered to pick me up and take me to lunch with her and my brother and run my errands... it was nice... until we got to costco. i was checking out the blueberries, i felt a gush, then i turned to my mom, and said "its time to go "

we left and went back to her house because i was hesitant to go to the ER, really i just didnt want to face what i knew was true. i didn't want them to tell me that my baby was gone.. i didnt want to know my dreams of holding that tiny blessing in my arms were about to be shattered by a dr who only knew my name and blood type.

so we waited a little bit longer... my mom and i sat on the couch and i began to cry she asked what was wrong i told her how silly i felt... everyone had told me to be careful it isn't safe till ur out of the first trimester... and later i would find out that one in every 5 pregnancies ends in the first trimester... but i still got excited anyways... looking for bedding, planning fun baby games, thinking of where to live, putting my baby in the same cradle i slept in that was made by my grandpa jack, etc...my mom said there is no shame in being excited. that everything will be ok and that we will have another blessing in our lives, this maybe just wasn't the right time...

then morgan got to the house and played video games with jack and mom dad and i went to dinner, it was at the mimi's i knew i couldn't lie to myself any longer. i knew i needed to get to the hospital and fast, so we went and got morgan then headed for the ER.

we arrived around 9pm. they took my name, i signed some papers, and we waited. jack mom dad morgan and i talked and were in good spirits.. dad told me everything happens for a reason even if its hard the Lord has plan for us... i knew this was true with all my heart, i knew the Lord was with us, i had an unexpected sense of fear and peace. i knew it was about to get scary but i also knew the Lord was by my side comforting me. and that morgan was there to hug me and hold my hand in His stead and that my family was there to make me laugh and love me and distract me from being myself and worrying too much. i also had a small thought in the back of my mind that maybe it wasnt going to be what i thought. i always think the worst and it rarely comes to pass so i thought maybe ... just maybe this will be one of those times...

but after another internal ultrasound, 5 viles of blood drawn, labs, an examination, and 3 hours of waiting ... around 1am the Dr. on staff came in, told morgan to leave then did another exam and told me that my baby had no heart beat... she said i was having a miscarriage. i didn't really listen to anything she said after that all i heard was my baby had no heart beat. i didn't react right away i just kinda sat there. morgan came back in and i told him what she had said he hugged me and we cried... we gathered our things, dried our eyes, and walked out to the waiting room. jack was the first one up... he looked into my eyes from across the room with a concerned look and i just shook my head and tears started to roll down my cheek... he knew what that meant. then i walked right into my moms arms and just cried... i whispered the news and she just held me and said, " im sorry baby" then my dad took over the hug and cried with me for a bit then i went to jack and he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek my little brother is bigger than me and smarter too, he said he was sorry and it would be alright. i told him i was sorry the baby wouldn't be sharing his birthday anymore with a smile on my face in an attempt to lighten the mood and told everyone everything would be ok God has a plan for us and it just wasn't the right time. then we went home to tell mom n dad clausen the news, they knew by the tears they saw when we walked in... then we went to bed...well first i wrote in my journal.. i couldn't really sleep, then i wrote an email to my close friends and family that read:

Dear Friends & Family,

Morgan and I are so grateful and blessed to have you in our lives helping us and supporting us. We thank you so much for your prayers and kind words. We were so excited to find out we were being blessed with one of God's Sweet Spirits. Unfortunately, our excitement turned into disappointment this morning around 1 am as we ran into some complications and the Dr. told us that our baby had no heart beat and was miscarrying. Although we are sad, we know that the Lord has a plan for us and for our baby and He knows us better than we know ourselves. We know that this is God's will and that our sweet little spirit had some important work to do for our Father In Heaven before coming down to be with us. Morgan and I are both doing well and staying positive :) We thank you all so much again for your prayers and love you so very much!

Smile Always:)

Morgan & Kimberly Clausen

... i couldn't stand to say it out loud to everyone.. it would just hurt too much... so i let morgan make the calls that were necessary and i sent emails to the rest in our behalf. then our families did the rest... we were preparing for it to be over ...

but that next morning at about 430am i woke up in pain , took some advil, then went back to sleep and then at 6am our lives got messy... our baby was ready to leave us. i rushed to the bathroom... morgan followed , and there we both sat and cried as we lost our baby. he held my hands and looked me in the eyes and said, "its going to be alright... i promise... ill be here... dont worry." it was so horrible to think i was flushing my first baby down a toilet! like a fish! i was horrified! but morgan just hugged me and said "i know babe... i know..." and we cried some more...

we stayed there for a fews hours... the bleeding wouldnt stop so we called the nurse and she said to come back to the ER and there we were from 8am until 1030am. we had the best dr , DR. KOH she was sweet and nice and helped us feel 1000 xs better. but she did give us news that made my stomach turn... she said our baby had stopped growing after 6 weeks which meant that the baby had stopped growing before we had even told anyone we were pregnant. all the excitement felt at that moment like it was for naught... but now i realize i wouldn't take it back for anything.

we went through 3 pairs of pants got 5 more viles of blood drawn and labs and more tests and then the bleeding slowed down so they sent us home and said the worst should be over but to come back if it got worse... well we went home for about an hour and spent the entire time in the bathroom. it was a LOT worse. it just wouldnt stop so we called and there we went again to the ER this time we were there from about 1230 -5pm the situation was about the same another internal ultra sound blood work tests and labs and a LOT of waiting. but the end result was the same the bleeding subsided and they were debating on doing a D&C or to give me some medicine to contract my uterus... they said all the stuff that could infect me was gone all that was left was the wall of my uterus which is what we shed every month so it shouldn't be a problem. we wanted whatever would ensure our visits to the ER would stop... so we waited while they debated we tried to sleep... i laid on the bed and morgan sat in the chair next to the bed and laid his head on my belly and i started to cry... he used to lay his head on my belly and talk to the baby, but now the baby is gone... he asked why i was crying and i told him and he assured me that there will be a baby in there soon and that he will still love me and my belly :) that made me smile and feel a little better. the Dr. came in said they decided to give us the pill and checked my vitals all was well and we went home. again. they said the pill would cause more bleeding and clotting and cramping... yay... but it should be maintainable so we went home with high hopes that we could start the healing process....

at 11 pm we got into bed and were completely exhausted, at this point we were going on 2 days of no sleep and desperately wanted rest but my body wouldn't have that.. the pill kicked in and we spent the next 5 hours in the bathroom. morgan is more of a strength than i could have ever imagined. he never left my side for a second. he slept on the bathroom floor with me after he made me a bed in the tub so while i was bleeding i could try to get some sleep. that night took so much out of me that i couldnt even stand the next morning. so we called the ER knowing we were suppose to take 3 more pills that day.. my body just couldnt take it. if one pill lead to 5 hours of hell what would 3 do? so they sent us back in and luckily we got DR KOH again and there they took some more blood determined i had lost a lot of blood and wasnt looking too hot so they hooked me up to an IV and told me that i didnt need to take the pills any more and nothing bad would happen. she said now all there was left to do was get better. she said this is an abnormal situation and doesnt normally happen... lots of women have miscarriages at home and never have to come to the hospital so if i didnt want to take the pill i didnt have to. so morgan and i opted out of the pill and voted for a well deserved good nights sleep. they said take it slow, lots of fluids, advil, and rest. so we left for what we hope was the 4th and final time. we got dressed, went out, said good bye to all our friends and family that had come to see us and went home to rest and to get things back to normal again. we enjoyed some yummy spaghetti ( thanks mom clausen) watched a movie ( well i slept but everyone else watched).

we slept all night long! it felt amazing! but once i woke up and started to put away all the paperwork we had to sign times four and throw away all the baby prep paperwork that we wouldn't be needing anymore i started to get sad, especially when i saw a paper i had signed that said "complete abortion" i began to feel sick but remembered the conversation morgan and i had the night before . we talked about how much we loved each other and how much our family loved us. we knew the Lord sent us blessings through out this entire trial and we wouldn't take it back for anything. sure we never want to go through it again but if we hadnt experienced this we wouldn't know how much we could possibly love one another when it got real. and this was about as real as you can get. i told morgan how i had prayed for us to grow closer as a family and didnt expect it to happen like this but knew that this had done just that. i had been through big challenges with other boyfriends, but never with morgan and i was worried how it would affect us but now i know if we can grow through this and still smile together and have faith and hope in the future that we can get through anything as long as we have The Lord on our side... then morgan walked in and saw me crying and i showed him the paper... he took a pencil scribbled over it and wrote miscarriage over it and hugged me while i cried into his shoulder once again...

when we were in the hospital and morgan knew i was nervous he hummed a song that fit our situation perfectly... the song was Nearer My God To Thee... those words will forever be in my heart and so will all the memories i have of the kind words and prayers from my loving husband who i couldn't have done this with out and all those who love us. we are so blessed and grateful for our lives and for the experiences we grow and learn from. our little family will continue to learn and to grow when it is the Lord's will for us. We love you all and thank you for your prayers and your service to our family . may the Lord bless you for your kindness and service. we love you more than you know.

Love

Morgan & Kimberly Clausen

Smile always.